WIP amnesty: story fragment

[rivkat]

Title: It goes badly
Author: Rivka T
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Rating: PG-13 (You saw the title, right?)
Notes: One way it didn't happen. Imagine the Big Reveal starting, as it often does, with Clark admitting his more-than-friendly feelings for Lex and then his difference.


Lex's hands reached out for him, but fell short. "And what do I get if the answer's yes? Is that the price of your secrets?"

If Clark hadn't seen the terror in Lex's expression, the harshness of the words would have sent him away. Fortunately, for once he knew the answers. "No. I love you," he said, giddy with the sound of the words, "even if you don't feel the same way. And there are things I can't tell you, because I don't know what's true myself. But I'll tell you what I can."

He reached out and put shaking hands on Lex's equally unsteady shoulders, drawing him into an embrace. Lex didn't resist. Clark could smell his cologne, a faint trace of leather and oranges, and feel his pulse, fast as a hummingbird's.

Lex tensed, then relaxed, his body pressing into Clark's from knee to chest, warm and solid.

Rubbing against one another was all well and good, but Clark was really looking forward to more. "Come on," he said, pulling back and tugging at Lex's hand. "Upstairs."

Lex leaned away, his hands coming up to press against Clark's chest. "Wait."

"What?" Clark blinked, dazed.

"I can't do this."

Clark smiled uncertainly, not knowing quite what to ask.

Lex's eyes were the deep blue of the twilight sky in fall. He stared at Clark in silence for what felt like a decade.

"I've given up on honesty in my partners. But I wanted more from you. I don't even really know why I can't trust you, though I have my guesses."

Clark was two steps away before he realized he'd staggered back. "Lex – I love you. If you – if you love me, none of the rest of that matters."

Lex tried to smile, then gave up. "Oh, but it does. And if you want more, I can talk about my father, about what he'd do to keep your sincerity and decency from influencing me. I could tell you what he knows about Clark Kent."

"You're *protecting* me?" He could see that. It was all so unnecessary – if they worked together, maybe only if they worked together, they could be safe from Lionel. "You don't need to. Once I tell you everything, we can figure something out –"

Clark stumbled to a halt as Lex shook his head, careful and slow. He was leaning back against his desk, his hands braced as if he were trying to stay upright in a hard wind. "You're willing to tell me now? So all these years, were you waiting for me to touch you *just* right as proof I was worthy? Because let me tell you, Clark, something you should already know – just because someone's a good fuck doesn't make him a good guy." His hands were clamped around the desk's edges, the bones almost visible under the skin.

"Why are you saying these things?" Clark didn't recognize his own voice.

Lex turned his head, exposing the side of his throat. There was a red patch of skin just below the line of his jaw, from where Clark's cheek had rubbed against him.

"Please, Lex. Give me a chance – I'll do anything to make it up to you –"

Lex's head snapped back, his eyes hot as bonfires. "Really? How about getting me my father's business plan for next year, out of his office in Metropolis?" He straightened, so that he was leaning more casually against the desk, folding his arms in front of him and crossing his legs at the ankle, looking ready for a pictorial in *Fortune*.

"Lex – I can't –"

"So, by anything, you mean 'anything I'd be willing to do anyway,'" Lex said. He didn't even sound particularly upset. He sounded – resigned.

"You don't, that's not what you want." Clark was really begging now.

"You're right," Lex said. "You're one for the whole truth, aren't you? Here it is: I thought I would always want you." He was almost murmuring. "I was wrong."

Clark had never known that he could hurt this much without dying.

"Go home, Clark."

He had no memory of leaving the mansion. He ran until he should have been exhausted. He would have given anything to be exhausted. There was a forest fire in California that he helped put out. When he walked into the fire to get to a family trapped in a house, he could feel the tears sizzle off of his face.

Lex's words swirled in his head, reverberating and recombining. Trust and lies and I thought I would always want you. Truth and danger and I thought I would always want you. I thought I would always want you. I thought.

A wild anger was growing in him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of Lex to be unwilling to forgive. Clark had his reasons, and they were good ones. It wasn't fair, when Clark had forgiven Lex plenty of shady things.

I thought I would always –

Always –

After the fire was out, Clark heard about a hurricane down in Texas, and took off running. He was supposed to help people. That had to mean something. That had to be enough.

If Lex could stop loving him, then he could stop, too.

He *would* stop, he thought as he lifted an oil truck out of the path of the storm.

Because he knew now, the biggest lesson Lex ever taught him: Everything changes, and "always" is the greatest lie of all.

Comments

[rivkat.livejournal.com]

Thanks! You're so right about how Lex has changed. In one way it's like the dimming of a brilliant light, as he's lost hope and faith.