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N Crazy Nights: Chuck
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daria234: Chuck: Sarah and Ellie friendship fic.
“Oh my God,” Ellie said, collapsing onto the couch and barely keeping her wine from spilling, “she is asleep.”
“Was it that hard?” Sarah asked. As usual, there was an underlying tension in her voice when she talked about Clara. Ellie thought it was about Sarah wondering, and worrying, about her own prospects for a family with Chuck. It might have been easier for Sarah if she’d had a close female friend who wasn’t Chuck’s sister, except that it wasn’t easy for Sarah to have close friends at all. At least Sarah understood that Ellie’s first loyalty had to be to Chuck; but given how much the two of them loved each other, there was only a superficial conflict of interest.
Ellie turned her attention to Sarah’s specific question. “It wasn’t hard like organic chem, it was hard like the last hour of a twelve-hour shift. At least I’m used to cranky patients who can’t explain exactly what’s wrong.”
Sarah hmmm’ed in understanding and sipped at her own wine. “Is it what you expected? Being a parent, I mean.”
Ellie tilted her head. “Things I thought would be hard, like changing diapers all the time and getting all kinds of bodily fluids on me on a nonprofessional basis, aren’t actually that difficult. And things I had no idea would be hard are: I look at her and I see everything that could happen to her, good and bad, and I’m terrified and just on fire with hope until I can barely move, and it can hit me at any moment—even during a diaper change, which I can tell you from experience is not when you want to have a moment of paralysis. I love her more than I thought could be possible, Sarah.”
“I think about it,” Sarah said, like that was a revelation. Still, it must have been hard for her to say, so Ellie nodded seriously and took another drink. “I don’t want my children to grow up without a parent. And the life we lead—that’s a promise that’s too hard to make. I know things can happen even in the most mundane families. I know there are no guarantees. But that doesn’t mean it’s fair to a child to bring it into the world I live in.”
“I think,” Ellie said, “it’s about hope. You make a promise to do the best you can. To never run out of love. That’s the important part. For what it’s worth, I think you’d make a fantastic parent. And you know what? Chuck and I came out pretty good, even with two superspies for parents.”
Sarah stared into her wine. “But your mother missed so much.”
“I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t still hurt,” Ellie agreed. “But it turns out she was saving the world, and I want Clara to grow up knowing she’s guarded by heroes. I’m not saying you should have kids. That’s your call, either way. Just don’t think you can’t, that’s all.”
“If something happened to me—” Sarah said, almost inaudibly, still not meeting Ellie’s eyes.
Ellie nodded anyway. “You know we’d take care of Chuck. And anyone else.”
Sarah was quiet for a long time. “Thank you, Ellie.”
Sarah still didn’t understand, maybe, how not hard it was for Ellie to make that promise. She’d do the same if Chuck ever had this conversation with her, which she expected any day now. Ellie might not know how to shoot a gun, and she never planned to learn, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t have Sarah’s back.
daria234: Chuck: Sarah and Ellie friendship fic. “Oh my God,” Ellie said, collapsing onto the couch and barely keeping her wine from spilling, “she is asleep.”
“Was it that hard?” Sarah asked. As usual, there was an underlying tension in her voice when she talked about Clara. Ellie thought it was about Sarah wondering, and worrying, about her own prospects for a family with Chuck. It might have been easier for Sarah if she’d had a close female friend who wasn’t Chuck’s sister, except that it wasn’t easy for Sarah to have close friends at all. At least Sarah understood that Ellie’s first loyalty had to be to Chuck; but given how much the two of them loved each other, there was only a superficial conflict of interest.
Ellie turned her attention to Sarah’s specific question. “It wasn’t hard like organic chem, it was hard like the last hour of a twelve-hour shift. At least I’m used to cranky patients who can’t explain exactly what’s wrong.”
Sarah hmmm’ed in understanding and sipped at her own wine. “Is it what you expected? Being a parent, I mean.”
Ellie tilted her head. “Things I thought would be hard, like changing diapers all the time and getting all kinds of bodily fluids on me on a nonprofessional basis, aren’t actually that difficult. And things I had no idea would be hard are: I look at her and I see everything that could happen to her, good and bad, and I’m terrified and just on fire with hope until I can barely move, and it can hit me at any moment—even during a diaper change, which I can tell you from experience is not when you want to have a moment of paralysis. I love her more than I thought could be possible, Sarah.”
“I think about it,” Sarah said, like that was a revelation. Still, it must have been hard for her to say, so Ellie nodded seriously and took another drink. “I don’t want my children to grow up without a parent. And the life we lead—that’s a promise that’s too hard to make. I know things can happen even in the most mundane families. I know there are no guarantees. But that doesn’t mean it’s fair to a child to bring it into the world I live in.”
“I think,” Ellie said, “it’s about hope. You make a promise to do the best you can. To never run out of love. That’s the important part. For what it’s worth, I think you’d make a fantastic parent. And you know what? Chuck and I came out pretty good, even with two superspies for parents.”
Sarah stared into her wine. “But your mother missed so much.”
“I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t still hurt,” Ellie agreed. “But it turns out she was saving the world, and I want Clara to grow up knowing she’s guarded by heroes. I’m not saying you should have kids. That’s your call, either way. Just don’t think you can’t, that’s all.”
“If something happened to me—” Sarah said, almost inaudibly, still not meeting Ellie’s eyes.
Ellie nodded anyway. “You know we’d take care of Chuck. And anyone else.”
Sarah was quiet for a long time. “Thank you, Ellie.”
Sarah still didn’t understand, maybe, how not hard it was for Ellie to make that promise. She’d do the same if Chuck ever had this conversation with her, which she expected any day now. Ellie might not know how to shoot a gun, and she never planned to learn, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t have Sarah’s back.