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Community ficlet
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ariadnes_string: fic about a canonically Jewish character doing something Jewish. (I gotta say, I was sorely tempted to write two Jews expressing three opinions.) Annie Edison, Community.
“Why are you wearing that terrible sweater?” Jeff asked, obviously horrified. Though not horrified enough to look away from her breasts, Annie noticed.
“My bubbe gave me this sweater!” she protested. In truth, it wasn’t flattering. In point of fact it was hard to imagine a person to whom a sweater of this precise bulk and coloration would be flattering. She crossed her arms over her chest, which made Jeff look her in the eyes. “It was—the song. The Christmas song, and the outfit, from when I was brainwashed into the glee club. I felt guilty.”
“Hah!” Pierce said from behind them.
“That wasn’t even a Jewish joke,” Jeff snapped. “Annie, we all said things, did things, that we wouldn’t have done if we’d been in our right minds. The corrupting power of the glee club harmed us all, but I don’t think that inflicting further damage on our eyeballs is the answer.”
“It’s either wear the sweater or explain to her why I’m not a doctor yet, so I’m going with the sweater.”
“Yeah, you don’t have to look at it,” Jeff complained.
“Hey, knock it off,” Troy intervened. “What’s Annie’s bubbe? Has the monkey mutated?”
Which was (through a quick montage of increasingly convoluted explanations) how they ended up in the only Conservative synagogue in Greendale, serving soup to elderly Jews. Thankfully no one paid any attention to how Shirley’s hot cross buns were very much hot cross buns, and Annie’s bubbe was so deaf that she thought Pierce was claiming to be Jewish himself. Jeff told Britta that “shiksa” meant “nice liberal girl,” and Britta misunderstood the rabbi’s snort to be disapproval of liberalism, so that fuse went unexploded. Then the debate Abed managed to trigger about Palestine through his rapid-fire questions started the usual screaming match in the prayer room. Unfortunately, Abed’s precisely timed interjections raised the temperature beyond anything Annie had seen before.
“Wow,” Jeff said as they backed away slowly, as a group. A kippah came rolling out into the hallway, like a very strange and unstable tumbleweed, and fell over. “And I thought lawyers liked to argue.”
“Hey!” Pierce waggled his finger. “You said the racist thing!”
“Yes, Pierce, that totally cancels out the ten horrific anti-Semitic things you said within the past five minutes,” Jeff shot back.
“Guys!” Annie unbuttoned the sweater, which had somehow acquired a large soup stain, and put it on the back of a chair, where she guiltily hoped someone would chuck it into the lost and found, there to molder until next year in Jerusalem (or indefinitely if the Messiah tarried). The noise from the congregation was rising, and she was a little worried that they’d put their differences aside not just to avoid a shande for the goyim but to deliver a little Maccabean message to the goyim. “Thank you all for coming. And thank you for going!”
Abed photoshopped a picture of Annie wearing the sweater into a bunch of different scenarios, which Annie appreciated, since her bubbe was constantly poking her on Facebook.
But after that, the study group swore off field trips involving houses of worship.
ariadnes_string: fic about a canonically Jewish character doing something Jewish. (I gotta say, I was sorely tempted to write two Jews expressing three opinions.) Annie Edison, Community.“Why are you wearing that terrible sweater?” Jeff asked, obviously horrified. Though not horrified enough to look away from her breasts, Annie noticed.
“My bubbe gave me this sweater!” she protested. In truth, it wasn’t flattering. In point of fact it was hard to imagine a person to whom a sweater of this precise bulk and coloration would be flattering. She crossed her arms over her chest, which made Jeff look her in the eyes. “It was—the song. The Christmas song, and the outfit, from when I was brainwashed into the glee club. I felt guilty.”
“Hah!” Pierce said from behind them.
“That wasn’t even a Jewish joke,” Jeff snapped. “Annie, we all said things, did things, that we wouldn’t have done if we’d been in our right minds. The corrupting power of the glee club harmed us all, but I don’t think that inflicting further damage on our eyeballs is the answer.”
“It’s either wear the sweater or explain to her why I’m not a doctor yet, so I’m going with the sweater.”
“Yeah, you don’t have to look at it,” Jeff complained.
“Hey, knock it off,” Troy intervened. “What’s Annie’s bubbe? Has the monkey mutated?”
Which was (through a quick montage of increasingly convoluted explanations) how they ended up in the only Conservative synagogue in Greendale, serving soup to elderly Jews. Thankfully no one paid any attention to how Shirley’s hot cross buns were very much hot cross buns, and Annie’s bubbe was so deaf that she thought Pierce was claiming to be Jewish himself. Jeff told Britta that “shiksa” meant “nice liberal girl,” and Britta misunderstood the rabbi’s snort to be disapproval of liberalism, so that fuse went unexploded. Then the debate Abed managed to trigger about Palestine through his rapid-fire questions started the usual screaming match in the prayer room. Unfortunately, Abed’s precisely timed interjections raised the temperature beyond anything Annie had seen before.
“Wow,” Jeff said as they backed away slowly, as a group. A kippah came rolling out into the hallway, like a very strange and unstable tumbleweed, and fell over. “And I thought lawyers liked to argue.”
“Hey!” Pierce waggled his finger. “You said the racist thing!”
“Yes, Pierce, that totally cancels out the ten horrific anti-Semitic things you said within the past five minutes,” Jeff shot back.
“Guys!” Annie unbuttoned the sweater, which had somehow acquired a large soup stain, and put it on the back of a chair, where she guiltily hoped someone would chuck it into the lost and found, there to molder until next year in Jerusalem (or indefinitely if the Messiah tarried). The noise from the congregation was rising, and she was a little worried that they’d put their differences aside not just to avoid a shande for the goyim but to deliver a little Maccabean message to the goyim. “Thank you all for coming. And thank you for going!”
Abed photoshopped a picture of Annie wearing the sweater into a bunch of different scenarios, which Annie appreciated, since her bubbe was constantly poking her on Facebook.
But after that, the study group swore off field trips involving houses of worship.